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Yo quiero un taco debacle
By Shaun Booth
A&E Editor
FILE PHOTO
Taco Bell: the busiest drive-thru in town.
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We’ve all been there before. It’s late at night; you are studying hard or partying even harder. Your stomach starts to growl with an attitude. Something in your mind and stomach tell you that ramen just won’t do it this time and pizza rolls or Lean Pockets are just not appealing. But you’re still in college and you have yet to start caring about your health. You want something that is quick, affordable, tastes delicious and is horrible for your health (because you are a rebel).
Well, as I see it, in this situation you only have one option. This is the time of night where the beauty of the drive-thru becomes clearer than ever. The best option for students here at Calvin is to make a run for the border.
I found myself in such a predicament just hours ago. Leaving from my place of residence (which is within walking distance of Calvin’s campus) at approximately 10:45, my companion and I arrived at Taco Bell at 10:53.
This was accomplished by making a right turn on 28th Street and then simply keeping my eye open for the all-too-familiar Taco Bell logo (which was lofted proudly 20 feet above 28th Street’s pavement).
When we arrived at Taco Bell, I was amazed to see that there was an ATM machine. Not only does Taco Bell fulfill your late-night hunger needs, it also fulfills your late-night banking needs.
As we pulled into the parking lot, my companion panicked and pulled into a spot. I told her that we needed to go through the drive-thru because at this hour the dining room at this establishment was closed. She said she knew this, but her reason for pulling over was because she was having anxiety about making the order at the drive-thru. And then to my surprise, she admitted that she had never successfully accomplished a drive-thru order in her life. After mocking her for several minutes I proceeded to take over the wheel.
I then realized the windows on the fine piece of machinery that we were driving did not function properly on the driver side, the passenger side or the rear driver side. So we decided one of our options was to back through the drive through and use the rear passenger window. We quickly realized this option was dangerous and embarrassing.
The other option was to simply open the door to place the order and again to pick up the goods. We went with the door option. So a functional automobile is a plus but not necessary to enjoy your Taco Bell experience.
Now on to describe the ordering process. To quote my passenger, “The thought of shouting into a box to get food has always been kind of weird to me.” Well it’s never been weird to me; it’s always been beautiful to me, an event to be appreciated.
Taco Bell is wonderful because they have not one but two lit-up menus. The first menu you are able to look upon without the pressure of the Taco Bell employee crackling over the speaker, “Are you ready to order?” Believe me, I’ve been to a single-menu Taco Bell joint and the results were not pretty. I ended up panicking, knowing that the employee, along with the five cars behind me, were waiting on my decision. I came away with cinnamon twists and a small Pepsi and I was not happy. So the two-menu system is brilliant.
We were able to mull over the menu for several minutes and design a delicious midnight meal for ourselves. I went with a chicken soft taco, a beef soft taco, a grilled stuffed burrito and a large Mountain Dew. The passenger went with the chicken taco and a medium Pepsi.
It is important to find the appropriate drink to accompany your meal, because you want to make sure that you have enough to wash down the spicy concoctions. The reason this is important is because the food tastes very delicious, but it looks rather repulsive, so the tendency is to force the food down your throat in large unchewed chunks in a panicked frenzy. Soft drinks act as a great lubricant in this situation.
The drive-thru employee had a Hispanic accent to give us a truly authentic Mexican food experience. She was friendly, even at the late hour of 11 p.m.
She got the order perfect and suggested some hot sauce options (I went with the “fire” packets). She handed me the correct change and did not even take the opportunity to make fun of the fact that I had to open the door to grab the food.
We raced home to eat our purchases, a little too fast because the drinks ended up spilling in the passenger’s lap, prompting a string of shouting that almost ruined my whole experience. But I simply thought about the burrito and all was well with me mentally.
I got home and dove into my midnight Mexican feast. I found myself pounding down the pasty tacos with efficiency, leaving the grilled stuffed burrito for last. This might not have been the wisest choice. The burrito was a brick of smashed together beef and a plethora of unidentified juices and slimes, but it tasted wonderful. This is when I realized there is a definite mental aspect to having a positive Taco Bell experience.
Soon after I finished my meal and my companion had finished her taco, we both concluded that we did not feel that great.
My companion said, “I don’t think anyone has ever felt good after Taco Bell.” And this may be very true. But I know when I did feel good. It was when I was shoveling in bite after greasy, pasty bite of the Mexican goodness. All of the grease in my mouth along with the taste of beef made me happy in a gluttonous kind of way. I think tacos are my comfort food. They should also be your comfort food.
After I brushed my teeth and ridded my mouth of the greasy film the food had left, and my stomach had stopped hating me for making it deal with the Bell, I felt a relaxed calmness and I sat down, ready to write this article.
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