The Official Student Newspaper of Calvin College Since 1907
September 4, 2009
Volume 104, Issue 1
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Moses finally returns
You can stop working on that golden calf now
  Enlarge Photo courtesy of The Real Moses
Moses, seen here, has been known to let his temper get the better of him in the past. However, he’s allegedly softened over the years.

Hello. I’d like to introduce myself to those of you who don’t know me. My name is Moses, and I’m a pretty big deal around here.

First off, I’d like to welcome you to Calvin. Congratulations on not going to Hope.

Second, I’d like to let you in on a bit of history. I don’t know what you may or may not have heard during your initial indoctrination or orientation or whatever they’re calling it these days, but I am the (arguably) most storied and historic tradition at Calvin, hence the fact that I’m a big deal.

In order for you to understand that previous statement, though, I wanted to write this little blurb so that you know who I am. So, without getting into a bunch of details,

I’m going to give you the straight facts. That way you hear them from me and not from anybody else. After all, there’s a lot of hearsay regarding me, and I just want to clear the waters.

Yes, originally there was a lot of violence surrounding me when I first came to Calvin. What can I say? I was a partier. I couldn’t get past my OT days, back when the Israelites and I used to throw down a good old ruckus once in awhile. Memories, memories.

Either way, when I first burst on the scene here, I used to encourage the same sort of barbaric activities that we used to have back in the desert. That stuff got old real quick, though. I mean, I ended up facing some pretty big heat from the head honchos here.

Calvin’s administration did not like me. Additionally, students were getting into trouble at my expense (and I mean, big trouble), so parents didn’t like me.

Finally, some of the activities I was involved in got so carried away that I ended up getting hurt. Thankfully I’ve healed, both physically and emotionally, but here’s my point: even though I used to encourage violent or subversive activities, I don’t anymore. I’ve matured.

You see, here’s the tradition. I have a history of being passed on from one group of students to another group of students. Sometimes that group would be a dorm floor. Sometimes it was an off-campus group in an apartment or a house. Either way, students would take care of me for a little while, and then pass me on to some other students.

At some point, though, a few people (who will remain nameless) got the bright idea to forcefully take me from the people I was staying with.

Not cool.

I wasn’t ready to leave yet. Plus, then that put the same idea into other people’s heads and before you knew it, I was being violently ripped out of place after place and my fun tradition of bouncing around Calvin and meeting different students turned into a male-dominated testosterone strength-fest.

All of that crap forced me to go underground, and it forced my elders (the students taking care of me) to have to be really careful and secretive. And that’s just dumb. It really sucks, because now I don’t get to come out as much and hang out with all of you, which is what I want to


So I’m going to try something new this year. I’m going to try to re-emerge a little bit, and if things go well, I’ll come out of hiding a bit more than I have in past years, and I’ll try to make it to a few on-campus events so that we can hang out, take pictures together, and be friends. And then, when the time’s right, my elders will work with some people who know more about me and figure out how to pass me on to the next group of elders in a way that’s fair and fun.

But if people get violent and stupid again this year when I try to come and hang out, I’m going to just have to continue to do things on the DL. And that’s no fun, for me or for all of you.

So here it is. My name is Moses. I’m back at Calvin. I want to get to know you, but I want to be safe about it, so that’s just how it’s going to be.

See you all around (hopefully).

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