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Joel 'Scooter' Smoot receives a pass from Chaz 'Golden Boy' Amidon and a 'perfectly legal love tap' from Ken Pomykala.

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Calvin is full of uplifting traditions. For at least half the people involved, the annual football game between the mighty Les Jacques de Chimes and the Faculty Fumblers is anything but.

With the snow having freshly fallen on the ground, it is hard to imagine that a massacre of such epic proportions took place here so short a time ago. But go take a look; for the blood, sweat and (mostly) tears of the faculty remain under the snow of the lacrosse field beside the DeVos Forum.

If one of your beloved professors arrived at class crying, limping or lacking important appendages, or if you hear him spreading vicious lies regarding his supposed victory in the esteemed contest, you can be sure they were involved.

Before the game the Fumblers committed most of their time to cracking their spinal structures back into a shape coherent enough for athletic pursuit and taping their knees into place.

The faculty first knew real problems were coming when some sources of their worst nightmares from the past appeared on the field. Legendary Jacques veterans Adam “Totally Depraved” Petty, along with Beth “Southern” Bell and Christian “Taco” Bell emerged from the hazy depths beyond the Calvin Bubble to conquer their ancient (in more ways than one) nemeses once again.

But the real person they had to worry about was quarterback Chaz “Golden Boy” Amidon. From the moment he set foot upon the field, his overwhelming presence struck terror in the hearts of the Fumblers. Inspired by his excellent leadership,

Gort” Gort and Joel “Scooter” Smoot triumphantly received critical touchdown passes, putting Les Jacques in an early lead. But this was only the beginning.

Despite pleas for mercy and medication from the teary-eyed faculty, Les Jacques would not relent.

Following their initial flurry of scoring, Greg “Hooray!” Collins displayed blazing speed as he repeatedly took down the Fumblers’ every play. Brian “Big Head” Bosma blocked numerous pass attempts with amazingly athletic leaps and bounds and his abnormally large head.

While some of the mightier Jacques were taking a water break, the Fumblers managed to scrape together a team effort decent enough to manage a single touchdown.

“Momentum is ours!” cried Jim “Too Tall” Vanden Bosch. “We will prevail.”

Clearly, their confidence was misguided.

Les Jacques immediately rallied with a series of successful plays featuring Nick “Hyde” Holst and sibling Christine “Jekyll” Holst, which culminated in a stunning execution of the infallible double-handoff, triple-reverse backflip play by Alli “Para” Graff, Emily “the Oracle” Rattray and Scott “the Optimist” Admiraal.

To further destroy the Fumblers’ morale, Justin “Longest Insults Ever” Pot cheered from the side of the field.

In a feeble attempted comeback, Ken “Over-the-Hill” Pomykala completed a pass to Nathan “the Traitor” Bierma, who was quickly demolished by Peter “Superman” Clark.

In a dramatic defensive maneuver, Kristin “the Muscle” Michael made a diving fumble recovery. Before hitting the ground she managed to dish off the oblong ball to Michael Lynn “Athena” Hannink, whose god-like agility allowed her to dodge several tackle attempts to score for Les Jacques.

As a grand finale, experienced footballer Nana Yaa “This is football?” Dodi ran 89 yards on a punt return for the crowning touchdown.

With the professors strewn across the field gasping for breath and writhing in pain, Les Jacques marched triumphant off the field with a final score of 35 to 7 and mercifully called an ambulance for the downtrodden elderly they left behind.